Whether Santa's Real or Not, I Couldn't Care Less

Is anyone else like me, in that when they were a kid, they didn't care whether Santa was real or not? I don't care who brings me the gift. I don't. I don't need a backstory as to how the gift got here. Just give me the gift. I don't need to know how the Playstation 2 made it's way into my house. I just know that now I have a Playstation 2. Even if on a random day in summer a Playstation 2 made it's way into my room and I woke up to find it... I wouldn't even ask how it got there, I'd just start playing it. I'm 9, I don't even question whether God exists or not, you really think I'm going to question how a PS2 got in my house?

That's the thing, parents think, "Oh my child is so innocent and needs to conjure up this fantasy of a jolly fat man with a beard in a red suit with 9 reindeer that puts you on a list and checks it twice..." fuck that. I'd prefer that my parents give me the gift because at least they have an accurate judgment of me. They hang out with me everyday, this fat dude sits up in the North Pole and watches me when I sleep, how is that a good way to judge character? You can't comprehend the human condition, you hang out with elves in curly shoes all day, wearing your dopey red suit.

Red suit. They always say that, but that's not a suit. You've never seen a suit that looks like that, it's a coat. It's not a suit, if you showed up to a job interview wearing that they'd kick you the fuck out.

I don't know if parents understand what kids want. When you're young they bring you to the mall and make you sit on some stranger's lap and everyone has to pretend that he's Santa Claus. Yeah, it's early December, Santa's busiest time of the year, but he's chilling at the Macy's on Atlantic Avenue. Guess all the kids that don't live in New York are fucked, because they can't come down to tell him what they want.
And that was never fun for me. That's like your first job interview as a kid. I was fucking nervous. But my parents would act like it was fun. Because there's nothing more fun than judgment from a stranger! And in the end none of it mattered. I was nervous for no reason. I didn't have to do any of it. Like what, if I had shit in his lap were my parents going to return all the gifts they had already bought for me, just to continue the ruse?

And when are you supposed to tell your kids? What's the cutoff point? You need one, because otherwise you'll have a 27 year old kid living in your basement thinking that Santa's real and the government can be trusted. Probably not a likely source for grandchildren.

So when, 12? What if the kid's born a few days before Christmas (like I am), do you spring it on him then? "Happy 12th birthday! Santa's not real!" Or do you wait until the summer so that you don't fuck with his head, associating his birthday with his knowledge of the Santa Claus lie? But the problem is there, you tell him in July, December rolls around and he's like, "I can't wait for Santa to bring me my...oh. Oh yeah...I remember now..." You're fucked either way.


It's weird that society expects you to lie to your kids about that. They expect you. In this country, you're a bad parent if you don't lie to your kid. because all the fucking parents do it. And if you tell your kid santa's not real then your kid will tell the other kids at school that will go tell their parents and all of a sudden you're a villain, for exposing a lie that those fuckers perpetuated to begin with. Parents always tell you not to give in to peer pressure, but even they can't rise above it. "Don't drink, don't do drugs". Yeah well don't lie to your fucking children.

And that's the only reason parents do it, is because it's so widely accepted. You're allowed to lie to your kid about that one thing. What if I told my child that Bigfoot was real. And that he visits our house one night every year. And that he better be good or otherwise Bigfoot will break all of his game systems. And one day my kid wakes up and sees a giant footprint on his floor that I drew the previous night.


People think it's harmless. "It's just a white lie about Santa Claus, who could it hurt?" Sure, it's just a child, your child...that trusts you implicitly, but why don't you push this lie into their little trusting head that they'll definitely figure out is a lie later on. I'm sure that won't create a sense of distrust between you. I read an article that said atheism is increasing in children... no shit. When you tell your kid that Santa, the tooth fairy and God all exist, and then later you go, "Well, 1 out of 3 ain't bad right?"
"Fuck you mom and dad, It's 0 out of 3!"
All you're doing by telling your children that Santa Claus exists is creating a contrived means to control your child's innocence. That's all it is. And that's fucking sick. "Oh you're so innocent you'll believe anything I say! Santa's real and I'm always right!" That's fucked up. Just stop it.