Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Clinician Diagnosis Eats Dick Sometimes

My sister went to see a psychiatrist recently. After one hour from the first time they met, she diagnosed my sister as being bipolar. First of all, my sister is 16. Everyone's bipolar when they're 16. You're out of your mind. Your brain's running through a fuckload of thoughts a day. You hate your life at school and you hate your life at home and you question what the fuck life's even about. Then a girl touches your dick and you forget about it all. ...Although that probably wasn't the case with my sister.

The reason this psychiatrist diagnosed my sister with this...is because she had seen my sister go from very very happy, to very very sad, in the span of an hour. When my sister went into her office, she was happy, and when she left, she was sad. Yeah, it might be because she's bipolar, or it might be because after you spend an afternoon hanging out with your friends and laughing and joking around and roaming wherever you want outside, and then you're forced to sit in a small office with a stranger and tell them everything you hate about your life for an hour...your mood might tend to change.

You can't diagnose bipolar disorder that way. That'd be like showing up at someone's house and giving them a 3 million dollar check, and then telling them it's fake and revealing the dead body of their puppy to them. "Your mood changed suddenly there, might you be bipolar?"

They don't diagnose things properly. That's why I don't always trust clinicians on shit like this. Like ADHD, they don't diagnose that correctly. "Jimmy's not paying attention is history." Of course not, it's boring. Fuck him for not wanting to hear about the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers for 45 minutes, give him some Ritalin to keep him in check. Don't let his mind wander and think about the universe and the meaning of life, he might realize how useless all this history shit is.

This is how they should find out if a kid has ADHD. In the middle of class, have the teacher leave. And let Sasha Grey and Bree Olsen, 2 of my favorite porn stars, come in and just start making out in front of the class. And I'll be in the room at the time to monitor. And if I look over and see Jimmy staring out the window, well you've at least narrowed it down. It's either ADHD or homosexuality.

"At least ADHD has a cure!"

Fuck you, you homophobic bag of shit.

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