Haiti, where are they now?

I honestly didn't understand the whole fuss about the earthquake in Haiti. And I'm not trying to be mean, I'm actually just bewildered by the fact that people all of a sudden gave a fuck. There were celebrities running down there to raise money and it was all over the news. That doesn't make any sense, because that place has been a shithole for years. For decades it has been a pile of shit. And then the earthquake happened and everyone was like, "Those people need help", No, they needed help before that! At that point, America was like the shitty parent that waits way too long to do anything for their kid. Their kid's all fucked up, shooting heroine and beating up other kids. Torturing small rodents in the basement. And the parent's like, "Oh, it's all right it's just a phase. He'll be fine. No reason for me to do any parenting now, I have more important things to focus on, like my career." And then one day, boom, the kid snaps and kills somebody, and the parent goes, "Oh, he really needs some help." Well where the fuck were you before?

That's like ignoring an HIV patient until he gets AIDS and then being like, "Oh shit, you need help! This is serious!"

And where are we now, America. It's been, what, 6 months since the earthquake, does anyone know what's going on in Haiti right now? That's why the TV news is shit, because in their minds news is only newsworthy for maybe a couple of weeks. Unless you're Michael Jackson and you died. I looked it up, and apparently 95% of the rubble is still fucking there. We haven't done shit. We cared for a little while, and then some oil spilled over the Gulf so we said to Haiti, "You're on your own!" and nothing's been accomplished.

I actually saw, a couple of years ago, before the earthquake, a news story about how in Haiti, they had gotten to the point where they were making dirt cookies to eat. You didn't mishear me, they made cookies, out of dirt. I loved that they called them dirt cookies too, almost like they're a treat or something. Imagine that, imagine the pain that mother had to go through,lying to her child, like that. "Here, since you've been such a good little girl, here, have this dirt cookie." It's not a cookie, it's fucking mud held together with salt and butter, literally too. You ever be eating something shitty and you say to your friend, "This tastes like mud with salt", and then you laugh at the clever simile you just came up with? These people actually eat that shit! They don't have a clever metaphor to use!
Little Haitian girl walks up to her mom, "Mommy, can I have another dirt cookie?" "Now now, you know you can only have two cookies for dessert, you don't want to become spoiled. You don't want to fatten up now, otherwise you might not be accepted onto the school cheerleading team."

I remember watching that news story, because I was eating dinner at the time. And, my mom had made for me, roast chicken, yellow rice and string beans. And I have to tell you, those string beans, were a bit dry. So I ate the chicken and rice, but then the string beans, I dumped in the trash. Freshly cooked, probably about half a plate's worth, "Ah who'd want to eat this, fuck it." Also, my dad had been encouraging me to drink more milk so I can grow and develop strong bones, but I fucking hate milk. But he'd know if I wasn't drinking it because the container would be full, so I just took that half a gallon of fresh milk and just emptied it into the drain. Right down it goes, nobody's going to be drinking that.

Hey don't judge me, I'm not the only one that does it. The fucking news lady with nice hair and a nice blouse, watched these Haitian people make cookies out of dirt, and then probably ate a lobster dinner that night and then went home, jammed a finger down her throat and puked it up intentionally, so that she can stay thin enough that maybe one day she'll be an anchor.

We get it, you don't like Dane Cook

I watch a lot of stand up comedians on youtube now. Because I'm a fan of stand up comedy. But there's this new phenomenon going around where, this is what'll happen:

You watch a video of some guy performing at comix or carolines or collegehumor or whatever. And it doesn't really matter how good I may think he is. Generally the comments go like this: 8 comments saying that they like him, and then one comment of a guy saying he's not that good. And then, a bunch of responses to that one guy, saying, "I guess you can't appreciate how clever this guy is. Who do you like, Dane Cook?" or "I guess he's not Dane Cook funny," or "What do you need, to laugh, some guy hopping around like Dane Cook?" I'm like holy shit, we get it. You don't like Dane Cook. I mean, I don't even like Dane Cook, but I don't go around pretending that I'm some stand up comedy aficionado because I don't like him. I think the inner conversation these people have while they write these comments must be, "You don't like the comedian I like? Well I'll teach you about comedy." Dane Cook is at the top f the list of getting shit on. Him, Larry the Cable Guy and Carlos Mencia. And the only one I hate of those 3 is Mencia. Because he is an absolute joke thief. I've seen enough proof. Larry the Cable Guy has his audience, he's a funny guy, might not be your cup of tea but whatever. But if you're going to scapegoat a guy at least don't be so fucking predictable.
I saw a guy on youtube once say he didn't think George Carlin was funny. I youtube argued with him for a week. I couldn't disagree with him more but at least he took a chance and put his opinion out there.

Me persoanlly, I don't really like Robin Williams. I never hear anybody say that, maybe there are people but I don't know them. And once again I'm talking about stand up, if you want to critique Patch Adams that's your own perogative. But I've watched his Broadway special and his latest, "Weapons of Self Destruction", and I realized I never really thought Robin Williams was funny. Honestly his style is comparable to that of Dane Cook's. But Robin is beloved, I guess. And I don't go around youtube saying, "What? You don't like Sean Patton? Who do you like, Robin Williams?" Because chances are good they'll say, "Yes, I do. What's your point?"

Action Stars, nobody can take Jackie

I'm tired of listening to people debate who the greatest action stars are and not even mentioning Jackie Chan. Look, I know this is America and we think everything here is better than everything anywhere else.

Well wake the fuck up.

The fact is that Hong Kong action in the 80's is the best action you'll ever get. Now listen, I am a martial arts fanatic. I admit it. But that's not all Hong Kong has to offer. They offer the best stunts, the best gunplay (Jon Woo, nuff said) and the best overall action sequences.

And the King of HK during the 80's was Jackie Chan. People in America might only know Jackie as the silly old man, especially now that he's doing films with people like Billy Ray fuck Cyrus. And they watch him bond with Chris Tucker and Owen Wilson and go, "Look at that Chinaman. Doing his flips and throwing his high kicks, what a goofy Chinaman." Well, fuck you very much. If you want to see what Jackie Chan was capable of doing in his prime, check out films like Police Story, Police Story 2, Project A 1 and 2, Wheels on Meals, Dragons Forever, Armor of God I and 2, Legend of Drunken Master. Yeah, he still does flips and throws high kicks, but he's also fucking insane and hardcore. And if you're one of those people that say that Jackie Chan can't act, check out Heart of Dragon. And if it doesn't make you cry, then you know that you're a piece of shit.

I hear some people complain that Jackie Chan doesn't speak English well enough. They can't stand his accent. I guess people like their action stars to be eloquent and easy to understand, like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you're idiots. If you think Van Damme and Chuck Norris made good martial arts films, go watch some HK films and realize you don't know what you're talking about.

Test Blog #1

Hooray I just set up my own blog. I can't wait to see what this meaningless post will look like.